MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Found the puke drawer
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
