Moan for me like Helen Keller
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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