I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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