You just made me feel so damn special
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
