Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He passed out mid-signature
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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