I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
