bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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