i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
