I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Randomize
