I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
