He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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