You can't motorboat a personality
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
All I want is dick and wine.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
