If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
