Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
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