Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
