I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
