I'm gonna have a badass scar
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
