I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
