we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
