she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
