I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
