I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
