I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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