I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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