I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
