i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
