I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You are a genius and a whore.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
