i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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