omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Randomize
