you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
