I'm gonna have a badass scar
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
