It's Friday. Sex?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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