Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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