i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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