my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
