I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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