Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
