I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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