pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I want to be your penis for a week.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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