Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
