I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
