I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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