Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
