Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
