please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
