Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
