If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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