That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
