watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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