Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
