i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Semen is not good for contacts.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
