I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
