I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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