I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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